Some Telling Signs You May be Experiencing Shame

Often, the clues that bring you to the revelation that you are experiencing a shame response, is the response itself. We engage in interactions often as social creatures, and there may be times that certain interactions feel more negative and intense.

Let's say you get a performance review at your job, and some things are marked as "needs improvement" or "unsatisfactory". There is a wide spectrum of responses to this rather common experience. You may feel some disappointment, as you were under the impression you were doing better than what was marked on your performance review. You may feel some frustration with your boss, because you disagree with their assessment. Or, maybe you generally are indifferent, and go about your day. How we then behave becomes an important point to observe. Consider these three scenarios of a response to this situation:

1. Amy leaves work that night, and meets up with some friends at her favorite bar. "I'm so bummed, I think I'm going to need an extra margarita tonight." She then expresses her frustration with her job with her friends, before going home and staying up late to binge watch her favorite Netflix series. She goes to work the following Monday and gets "back to the grind".

   
   

2. Sam leaves work after the bad performance review, and goes home to talk to his spouse about what happened. He becomes tearful for a moment, telling his spouse he was "really looking forward to this raise" that isn't happening now. His spouse comforts him, and encourages him to talk to his boss so that he has a more clear understanding of his work expectations. He sighs and responds, "I don't know if that will help, he's kind of a mean guy."

   
   

3. Angela leaves work and goes straight home to her apartment. Some friends text her asking if she wants to go out later, and she ignores the texts, thinking, "I'm a failure, so why should I burden anyone with my company?" Her mother calls her and asks about her work day, and Angela changes the subject and tells her she has to end the call because she doesn't feel good. She stays in her apartment all weekend, and when she goes to work the following Monday, she doesn't give her coworkers eye contact.

All three of these people are definitely feeling emotions, but we notice something different about Angela. Unlike the others, she doesn't connect with friends or family, and instead isolates herself. This is what shame does - it makes us feel like we are a burden to others, so we deprive ourselves of co-regulation. She keeps this incident to herself, and doesn't share it with anyone. Finally, she connects this bad review with being a failure, a deeply painful self-judgment on herself.

Much of what I understand about shame from a clinical standpoint comes from the work that Brené Brown has done on this topic. She defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection" (https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/). She notes that shame thrives on 3 things: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If your response to any negative situation involves intense self-judgment, isolation, and not talking about it - you might be experiencing shame.