Why You Can't Stop Saying "Yes" (and How to Start Saying "No")

People-pleasing is something a lot of us struggle with, and the reason it is such a difficult habit to break is because it's actually often encouraged in society.

People-pleasing, in essence, is the act of us disconnecting from ourselves for the sake of some kind of interpersonal gain. We are asked to give our time, attention, and resources - and our automatic response is 'yes' despite maybe not having the focus, energy, or motivation to do so. Many people may be painfully familiar with being asked to go to a social event they know they wont enjoy. A reluctant 'yes' response happens, and then feeling dread as the event gets closer, with intrusive thoughts of 'someone will be mad/disappointed if I don't go'. So, why do we do that to ourselves?

Root Causes

The root of this habit often starts in early years. Do you remember hearing any of the following phrases? "Suck it up and do it", "Get over it, you'll be fine", and "That's too bad, do it because I said so"? If you've heard any version of these kinds of phrases, chances are you were trained at an early age to disregard what you want or feel. Even more significant, perhaps you were heavily punished for expressing what you wanted. We are adaptive creatures, so we quickly make connections as we develop. If someone gets lashed out at, punished, or criticized for saying "I'm tired, I don't want to go to that today" - what connection is made? "Acknowledging my limits means punishment and being shamed. So, I ignore what I feel and do it anyway."

This gets reinforced, unfortunately, in many ways. Before IEP's in schools were enforced, children were taught to sit still and pay attention, no matter what. Ignore any physical, mental or emotional need you might have, otherwise you'll get in trouble. In work environments, someone who misses meals or rest to work excessive overtime hours is celebrated by their supervisors. Even in sports culture, the person who may be physically injured by pushes themselves past their limits to get to the finish line is a hero.

The True self vs the False self

Of course, we can't just do whatever we want all the time, especially in organized, structural environments. We often times have two different versions of ourselves, one being more of a performative persona vs the 'real' us that's unfiltered. Think of people who talk about their "customer service voice" vs what they sound like when they are talking to a friend on the phone. This brings us to an interesting concept of the "true self" vs the "false self". This psychological dualism was conceptualized by English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott. Winnicott used "true self" to mean a sense of self-based on spontaneous authentic experience. "False self", by contrast, denotes a sense of self created as a defensive facade (Winnicott 1960). So, we need the right balance of these two entities to function in daily life; we often jump into the false self to get through our work day, for example, and then let out our true self at the end of the day with friends. However, people who were trained at an early age to always abandon the true self in order to survive are going to be in their "false self" even in situations where they can tap into their "true self". What does that look like? Well, it looks like saying things like "whatever you want to do is fine with me" (when in reality, that is certainly NOT fine with you) or saying "yes" to things we actually don't want to say yes to.

How to say no without the guilt and shame

I always encourage my clients to be gentle with themselves in this endeavor, because in reality, we develop certain habits out of survival - because perhaps no one dropped into your room at age 10 to tell you "You know what, it's ok to talk about how YOU feel". So, start with some of these baby steps:

1. Practice getting in touch with your body. There are many different ways to practice this, and somatic therapists in particular can help you with this part. Practice checking in with yourself and take note of what your body is telling you. Are you tired? Are you hungry? Do you feel tense? Bringing awareness to what your body is doing is a great way to start acknowledging your limits. Remember, you are human, so you are allowed to have limits.

2. Practice self-validating. When we do acknowledge what it is we are noticing about what we feel, it's often a habit to invalidate the experience to mean it is wrong or unimportant. If you notice feeling overwhelmed, saying to yourself "I don't even have anything to be stressed about, I need to get it together!" is going to encourage you to push yourself to say yes to things. Instead, opt for "I feel overwhelmed for some reason, and it's ok for me to feel that." Remember, feelings are valid no matter what.

3. Give yourself affirmations. We can notice a lot of guilty thoughts arise when we say no. We may even start to imagine scenarios where we are experiencing consequences for saying no (that's your brain reminding you that in the past, you were punished for saying no). So, try some of these affirmations: I am allowed to say no. It's ok to say no. I deserve to take care of myself and set boundaries that keep me safe.

4. Therapeutic exposure. With anything we tend to avoid, sometimes the most effective way to work through it is to slowly get more used to it. I often encourage my clients to set a goal where they practice saying 'no' one time during the week, for example. Throwing yourself into saying 'no' every single time you want to say no may feel too overwhelming and uncomfortable starting out, and that's ok! Start with a comfortable pace, and you'll be honoring your true self in no time.